Thursday, January 1, 2015

2014 : Gone, but never forgotten

2014 had been a major turning point of my life, and it is only right that I pay a tribute to it. So here I am, on the first day of 2015, bidding goodbye to all these memories but immortalising them into words because while they may be over, they never should be forgotten.

If I had to put on my finger on the hardest part of this year, it probably will be on the tie between trying to graduate, and trying to find a job.

I've lost count of the number of times that I feel like I just could not go on anymore, thinking the fight to stay alive was too exhausting and I didn't know if it were going to end. Many times, I blamed God for everything that He put me through, some of the worst days, I didn't even want to admit that He exists. It didn't help that I was under massive depression for the greater part of this year.

But somehow, with a little help of my friends, I get by. I mustered what's left of me to keep on going with the perspective that one day, it will all end and everything will be okay again. And they did, I'm at a good place of my life right now, and I can finally say that I am depression-free.

One of the many lessons that 2014 brutally taught me is that, it is liberating to live your life without considerations towards others' opinions on you. You can be the best form of you that you could be, controlling how your life will go. As it should be.

I think what I realised the most this year is - how terrified I am of being alone, or rather being lonely. When you've lived with someone else under your skin for so long, that's the most frightening thought in the world: being by yourself again.

The Tragedy of it all
is that you know you
deserve better, but
still you stay and die
a little more each night
like a slow motion suicide

    - r.m. broderick

But recently, I took a leap to be alone. To know myself wholly, to know what I'm capable of, to know what I'm worth. To learn how to make myself happy. I am not going to lie to you that it's frightening and terrifying, and sometimes the darkness seems so terrible that I think it'll swallow me up again...but I know it won't. 

I've noted how much I've changed through the process of coming back from these painful experiences. I want to clarify that I haven't actually changed, I think I've become more and more myself. Every time I'm pushed to my limits and don't know how I'll go on, the way I eventually do is by removing a layer of my ego and living out what I know to be truly me. 

The one thing that I'm most grateful to come to realisation with in 2014 is that I am blessed with family and friends who I know will accept me for who I am, who will never leave me even when I push them away. And hence, nothing else could be that bad anymore. 

So you see my friend, this year had been a long year and I been yearning for 2015 to come quicker so I could start afresh on a clean slate. If you had a tough year like I did, chin up, we're here now and what are we, if not our experiences ? People say our decisions and experiences could either break us or make us, but I'd like to believe what breaks us IS what makes us.

Finally, Do I have any resolution for the year ahead ? Nope. 
I can only hope that I am a better person than I was yesterday, 
and that's all that matters. 

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