I didn't know it was depression, not until two years after when on one fine day, I unconsciously googled depression. It became real to me then, that maybe those were not just bad days, that maybe I really needed help getting out of the rut I'd been.
I would get up in the morning, and go back to sleep. I would stay on bed all day, I was exhausted all the time. I didn't want to do anything because I thought, what's the point? You tried and tried to do something good, but at the end of the day, it's all God's doing.
I started to detach myself from outside world. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't see a point in keeping any kind of relationships with anyone. Some days, when I had enough conscience that I actually was alive, I would cry so bad and pray to God that if these bad times are not going to end, please give me the strength to go through these. Unanswered prayers.
I would go to sleep, praying to never have to wake up again because another day just sounds like another long period of sufferings. Days when I feel hopeful, I would think that everything would be okay, that no matter what I have myself. Then another thought would come up, that what good is myself, when myself is the exact reason you're here, in this rut.
I wasn't living. I was letting the world revolve without taking any part of it. I didn't make an effort to do anything, I let everything that would be, be. And when I realised it, my life was a mess. I lost some of my good friends, I was failing a lot of modules and I had not been happy for a long time.
At that point, I knew I needed to do something.
Here are some things I did on my road to recovery ;
1. Talk to someone
I remembered it was my birthday, I was out for brunch with my bestfriend when I told her what I'd been feeling. Great thing about your best friends, they could see through you even when you hadn't meet for a long time. She told me, no one could help me but myself. And that she hoped, one day I could see myself as how she sees me.
We all know that people cannot solve our problems, but just by voicing out what had been bottling inside me was liberating.
2. Challenge Negative Thinking
Everytime I felt like it's coming back again, I didn't let it consume me. I would take a deep breath, and try to see the good things I have got going on. Some days were harder but it's all a process. Depression will lie to you, it'll tell you that you're no good and all the 10 miles. You're not a psychic. Keep repeating that chant " I'm not a psychic ". The only way to know what other people are thinking, is to go up to them and ask.
3. Pick up a hobby
I think that's when I started to become really active on instagram, I always love dressing ups and taking photos. It's an old interest of mine which I neglected during that time, and I guess I was just lucky that people liked what I post. Besides that I started to take up cooking. Something therapeutic about aligning all my ingredients, and going through step by step process of creating something.
4. Have faith that it'll get better
Without my faith, I don't think I would be here at all. The thing about me is I feel that religion does not have to be about God, I have faith and it just so happens, that it's anchored on Jesus. But faith could be built on anything that you really believe. Religions are supposed to set you free, find what calms your heart and believe in it.
5. Make it a point to do the mindless little things, that would make you happy
Happiness is easy when it's simple. Go watch your favourite sitcoms, go talk to your hamster and yes, go eat nutella-covered waffles just because you can, and you should !
I still do cry for no reason sometimes. Better to let it out, than build it in and let it consume you. Crying does not solve anything, but I imagine every tear as bad energy in me, and it's a good riddance.
7. Forgive yourself
Try to accept yourself as you are. With all your flaws, and perfection. I'm writing all these tips, but I myself, am still on the road of recovery.
The list would not cure you instantly, it's not like a switch. God how I wished it's that easy. But it serves as a reminder, that you're not alone and don't sabotage your life unknowingly like I did. If you needed professional helps, then please seek one. I would probably sought professional helps if I had known what it was i was dealing with. If not, you can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org ! I'll be happy to talk to you about this, or even how the weather is.
Excelsior my friends, Excelsior xx